Being raised in a pentecostal home is not an easy upbringing. I knew my parents loved me. I knew my sister loved me. I knew my family loved me. I knew God loved me. Yet, I still felt unloved by God, my family and in life. Years of feeling unloved led to many bad choices in relationships as a teenager, and then as an adult. With each bad relationship, I was continuously love stripped and I became distraught and unfocused. I hid my feelings behind work and being a “hard and strong” woman. The result was one bad relationship after another.
For the last two and a half years, I have been in a spiritual wilderness. God took me from my church, FBCG, where I was comfortable and safe. He moved me to a geographical location away from my home, family and church. I found myself feeling more alone and forsaken. But, I trusted God still. Spiritual warfare attacked me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I tried to fit in but nothing worked. All I wanted to do was serve God, but that came with character attacks from church people and more isolation — again alone and unloved.
During this time, God wanted me to get to know Him and experience His love. But I don’t think I was really paying attention. Once again I lost focus on God and was distracted by the need for human love. I met a godly man that I allowed into my brokenness and was broken by him even more. I was emotionally and physically sick for months. I suffered from fear and anxiety that almost crippled my human existence. Finally, I surrendered to God. I started seeking Him, crying out to Him and praying to Him. I turned my closet into a prayer closet where I would go cry, talk, and pray to God. Family and friends were praying for me, but I realized that I needed to pray to God for myself. It is during those times in that closet that I started to build my relationship with God and experience His agape love. He spoke to me in quietness. He spoke to me in dreams and visions. He healed me physically, emotionally and spiritually. He told me and showed me His love. There were times all I could do was cry and pray — pray and cry. When I started to trust Him and not my family or friends, things started to change. The Holy Spirit told me to go back to the beginning (Genesis and my life). As I started reading Genesis and other scriptures, I started to feel His love.
Finally, in February 2021 (almost three years later), my breakthrough came. I was on a 3 a.m. Intercessory Prayer call. The warriors began to pray for me. A man of God said to me, “God told me to sing a song to you: Yes Jesus Loves Me.” As he began to sing to me, I felt a breaking in my spirit and I began to cry. The more he sang, the more I cried. It was at that moment that I experienced God’s love like never before. He also invited me to sing along. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. I don’t need to search for the love of man, family or friends because His love is always with me. Even now, if I start to feel uneasy, I recall that song and start singing it as a reminder that God loves me.
I thank God for my wilderness because I finally found the love of my life. My love is not perfect, but His love is perfect. Thank you, Jesus. God brought me out of the wilderness. I retired from the military and now I’m safe in His arms again back in Maryland. God’s doing a new thing in my life as I abide in His love. Because Yes, Jesus Loves Me.